COVID was just coming to an end when my son Holden and I finally made it to Spain. We had been planning the trip for a long time — a father-son walk along the Camino de Santiago to celebrate his graduation. For a while, it almost didn’t happen. The world had other plans. But by the grace of God, we got there, and I remember waking up every morning on that trail not knowing exactly what the day was going to bring. Which, if you know the Camino, is kind of the whole point.
I had walked the Camino once before, about twenty years earlier. So I told myself I was going to be useful this time. I had experience. I knew the terrain. I knew where the rocks were loose in the mountains, where the trail markers were easy to miss, where you had to pay attention. I was going to get out in front of things — scout the path, flag the danger, make sure Holden didn’t make the mistakes I made the first time around.
Here’s the thing about that plan: it didn’t work.
“In the process of trying to scout the trail ahead for him, I was the one who missed the markers. He was the one who had to pull me back in the right direction.”
I would push ahead, convinced I was protecting him — and he would be the one to notice I’d gone the wrong way. Not once. More than once. The person who was supposed to be saving the day kept needing to be saved. And somewhere in the middle of those mountains, I realized something that I haven’t stopped thinking about since: control is an illusion. The days that didn’t go as planned — the chaotic days, the days where nothing worked the way I thought it would — those turned out to be the most memorable days of the whole trip. The days I remember best are the ones that surprised me.
The connection
Parents, this is what you’re doing in college admissions
I work with students and families every day, and right now — in this final stretch before May 1st — I keep seeing the same thing over and over. Parents who have been through the college process themselves, who weathered their own storms and made their own mistakes, who are absolutely convinced that their experience is going to protect their child from making the same missteps. So they get out in front. They manage the timeline, they edit the essays, they research the schools, they follow up with the admissions offices, they hover over every decision.
And what I keep watching happen is this: the student goes on autopilot. When someone else is running the show, you don’t have to show up fully. You just follow the trail someone else is blazing. And by the time these kids get to college — where nobody is going to manage their schedule, answer their emails, or smooth out the path — they hit a wall. A hard one.
I have to remind parents of this regularly, and I’ll say it plainly here: You are not the one going to college. Your child is. You’ve already done it. You don’t get to relive it through them. As hard as that is to hear, that’s the truth. Their college experience has to be theirs — the mistakes, the discoveries, the stumbles, and the moments they figure something out entirely on their own.
“You can’t smooth out the path for them any more than I could smooth out the Camino for Holden. And honestly? He didn’t need me to.”
What to do instead
Five ways to support without taking over
Your job right now is to be a steady presence, not a scout. Ask questions. Listen more than you speak. Let them lead the conversation about where they want to go and why.
A missed deadline or a wrong turn in high school is survivable. It’s training. If they can’t handle those moments while they’re still at home, the first unmanaged challenge in college will feel devastating.
When something goes wrong — a waitlist, a rejection, a hard conversation — don’t rush to spin it into a pep talk. Sometimes they need to sit in the hard moment. That’s where resilience actually grows.
Some of the pressure students feel right now isn’t coming from admissions offices — it’s coming from home. Ask yourself honestly: whose dream are we chasing here? Theirs or yours?
You have spent years instilling values, habits, and resilience in your child. Now is the time to trust that. The best thing you can do right now is believe in what you’ve already built.
The harder question
What if they’re not ready?
Here’s something I’ve been watching more of lately — students taking gap years, or deciding that college isn’t the right path for them right now. And too often, the resistance to those choices comes entirely from the parents. It’s a parental expectation being forced onto a student who is trying, in their own way, to tell you something important.
If your child cannot handle the basic responsibilities of their own life while still at home, that is information worth paying attention to. College won’t fix that. It will expose it. And the kindest thing you can do — for them and for yourself — is to be honest about whether they are truly ready, rather than pushing them through a door they’re not prepared to walk through on their own.
The Camino isn’t for everyone. And that’s okay. The journey that matters is the one your child is actually ready to take.
Looking back on those days walking with Holden, the moments I treasure most aren’t the ones where I guided him. They’re the ones where he guided me. Where I let go of the need to be the expert and just walked beside him, and we figured it out together. The chaos, the wrong turns, the unexpected — that was the trip. That was the point.
Give your child the same gift. Let them walk their own Camino. You might be surprised at how well they find their way.
Carpe diem.
Christopher Parsons is the founder of the College Planning Center and the author of Entering the Arena: Turning the College Admissions Odds in Your Favor. With 25 years in education — including time at The Citadel, the University of South Carolina, and years in the high school classroom — he helps students and families navigate the college admissions process on their own terms.
If you’re navigating the college admissions process and looking for guidance that puts your student — not your anxiety — at the center, Entering the Arena was written for exactly this moment.
Get the book →College Admissions FAQs: Helping Students Take Ownership of the College Planning Journey
Parents can support their child by walking beside them instead of managing every step. That means asking questions, listening, and letting the student make decisions. College Planning Centers helps families create a balanced college planning process where parents stay involved without taking control.
Student ownership matters because colleges are looking for applicants who can think, speak, and make decisions for themselves. When parents manage the entire college application process, students may lose the chance to build confidence, independence, and personal responsibility.
Yes. Small mistakes during high school can help students build accountability before college. College Planning Centers helps families understand which mistakes are manageable and which deadlines or decisions need closer guidance.
If a student is not ready to manage basic responsibilities, families should take that seriously. College will not automatically fix independence issues. Some students may need more preparation, a gap year, or a different path before beginning the next stage of their education.
College Planning Centers helps students take the lead by guiding them through school research, application planning, essay development, testing strategy, and decision-making. The goal is not to replace the student’s voice but to help them use it with confidence.
A clear college planning process reduces anxiety because families know what needs to happen and when. College Planning Centers gives parents and students structure, timelines, and support so the process feels less reactive and more manageable.
Students should speak for themselves because they are the ones going to college. In college admissions counseling, their goals, concerns, and preferences should guide the conversation. College Planning Centers helps students practice using their own voice in meetings, essays, and college decisions.
To walk beside your child means offering steady support without controlling the path. Parents can help organize, encourage, and ask thoughtful questions, but the student should still own the decisions, responsibilities, and outcomes of the college admissions process.
Yes. College Planning Centers helps families have honest conversations about readiness, goals, maturity, and next steps. For some students, immediate college enrollment is the right path; for others, a gap year or alternate plan may be worth considering.
The biggest takeaway is that parents cannot walk the path for their child. Strong college planning should help students build independence, resilience, and ownership so they are prepared not only to get into college but to handle life once they arrive.
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